New Girl: The one when Schmidt loses all the girls

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Schmidt wouldn’t be able to survive dating two women if we as viewers didn’t know so much about his history as somewhat of an undiagnosed, amateur tool. Let me explain. Schmidt the character has played an immoral part for three episodes this season and even tried to tell Cece that Nick was cheating on Jess, I think to gauge how she’d react to coming clean himself. He surpassed his typical eye-rolling nonsense into deep water where some other television and movie characters go to die, but he’s going to survive.

When he comes clean, in a popular restaurant no less, he explains himself in a way that sounds like he’s really in love with Elizabeth. We know he used to be fat, but now he says women actually want him and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. True, he’s never been desired by so many women at once, and we can sympathize with the thought that his past still haunts him.

He loses all the girls, though. He comes clean to Nick first, which he thinks is admirable; however, he’s putting Nick in a tough spot in which we know he can’t keep a secret from Jess. He doesn’t — not even from behind the mask of a motorcycle helmet. Predictably, Jess is beyond furious and she really pushes him to come clean right away — and so begins the race to judgment day, to a restaurant where Winston has been all day trying to prove “Bishop could get a table at a chair store,” in an epic battle with exciting guest star Alice Wetterlund playing a hostess at the new restaurant. Winston wins and Wetterlund admits “I hate my job,” like any hostess would.

Schmidt drives reckless, burning through stop signs because he thinks the faster he gets to the restaurant — Jess and Nick and Schmidt and Cece planned a double date — the faster he can avoid the situation. Nick drives slower than molasses, trying to avoid the situation and the cops because if he gets pulled over one more time “they’re going to make me wear glasses.”

When Schmidt finally comes clean to Cece, he doesn’t sound like himself. Then again, we’ve never heard Schmidt be so serious. His explanation, as we touched on earlier, makes us believe his true love was Elizabeth; at least, he felt that he needed to commit to her because she stood by his side when he was fat. When he began his sentence, “I used to be so fat,” I thought he was going to add, “and Elizabeth liked me for me” (Lyrics: She like me for me!!) but he didn’t. Either way, that fact doesn’t need to be said just because it’s true.

His explanation/apology are the show writers’ attempt at a really serious, trying moment, but what comes of it is actually typical. He didn’t want to hurt Cece. He really didn’t want to hurt her. Of course, not. That’s what everyone always says.

It’s important, I think, to wonder whether or not there’s importance in telling Cece first — either because she’s the unlucky one there and he was backed into a wall, or because he wanted to be with Elizabeth as we guess and as, remember, he did on the premiere this season. Maybe that’s the result this whole situation was supposed to come to, but never did because Cece called and spilled the beans to Elizabeth after the restaurant ordeal. I’m not sure if that’s a shot to the groin by Cece or if it was the right move because do we know if Schmidt was going to come clean to Elizabeth? It never appeared that way, but she was throwing pie in his face before he got the chance. Schmidt’s heart really broke when Elizabeth said he broke her heart. You and I both know that.

And what all came of this? Schmidt is now committed to breaking Nick and Jess up because he blames them for what happened. He said he was going to figure it out and, even though we sympathize with him initially, we can’t believe he was going to. He was losing his mind and Cece thought it was on whip-its, kicking perfectly OK iPhones across the floor and dropping them in his jammy jams. That’s a sign you should organize your life, but he wasn’t getting the memo.

The threat appears to be a real threat, though, and it reveals some hilarious things about Jess and Nick’s background as they try — frantically, before the credits end the episode — to figure out the information Schmidt could use against the happy couple. Throughout the episode, we learn new quirks about each character, including: Nick, who bought 10,000 cell phone minutes in 1999 and is still using them, Jess, who hurt her elbow fist-pumping a Weird Al concert, Winstonwho really kept that cat.

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