Attack of the killer reruns: “Hills”

As much as I’m ashamed to admit it, the channel has stopped changing when it hits MTV during the past week. That’s right, I’m blaming this on the TV remote. My minor binge re-watching of “The Hills” is caused by an inanimate object that stops working. That’s the story and I’m sticking to it.

“The Hills” was a great idea at the time, expanding “Laguna Beach” to follow its most popular character, Lauren Conrad, to real world LA. But the series never lived up to the hype did it? At the end of Laguna Beach Season One, Lauren arrived in San Francisco in Stephen’s open arms and it seemed like whatever came of that was going to be interesting.

Five to seven years ago, I couldn’t take my eyes off of MTV. These days, when my damn remote stops working on that over-dramatized channel, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

In “The Hills,” everything is so far overblown that it’s disgusting. Oh my god, Audrina talked to Heidi, so when Audrina gets home she’s going to sit on the couch and I’m going to ask her about Heidi because that’s so weird! Oh my god, like, guess who’s in Stephanie’s computer class?? Like totally Lauren is in her class. She just texted me. I don’t even know what to say. Oh my god, Spencer has to have peace and quiet so he can watch ’24’, but he’s also really mad at Brody.

Can you hear their voices yet? I’ve come to the conclusion that watching the show’s reruns could actually kill you, or at least just make you feel really bad about yourself — ashamed, as I feel.

It’s like watching too many back-to-back episodes of “Bar Rescue.” You can’t handle John’s loud mouth anymore so you have to turn it off. Or like watching an entire season of “Mad Men” on Netflix in one sitting — you feel fatter, more exhausted and like a giant waste of space.

For goodness sake, what would my parents think?

Maybe looking back at all of the meat of the show is what makes it so grotesque. Lauren worked at Teen Vogue, a job that literally a million girls would kills for (sorry, Devil Wears Prada). Heidi used to be super cute and then she did all of that plastic surgery and, well, you know the rest.

heidi-montag1

Whitney was the only real person on the show. By the time it was all over, anybody anywhere was begging MTV for a Whitney spinoff because they actually cared about her.

Watching these episodes brings me back to the “old days,” but not in a good way. It brings me back to the days when I was a teenager sucked into anything MTV threw on the screen.

Now I’m just here to warn you. It’s tempting when you see it on the TV guide. Everyone wants to relive those days when all they had to worry about was what shit Spencer was going to do in the next episode or which guy Lauren was going to be dating.

Take it from a Hills rerun survivor: you don’t want to relive those days.

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